Checkered Consciousness

So we're not quite going weekly, but we're getting close. Here's the latest installment of The Foggiest Comic. Hope you enjoy...

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NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS

the Foggiest is going through an identity crisis. We are not sure exactly what the Foggiest wants to be. Sure, we've had a lot of fun being quite possibly the most reputable news source in recent memory, but as of late, we were beginning to wonder if there is more to life than just telling it like it is. So we took some time off and researched other reputable informative avenues, The Times's, The Tribunes (and Tribune-Heralds), The Gazettes, and The Trumpets. the Foggiest realized something about all of these other "news" sources -- they don't have IT. So then we here at the Foggiest went about trying to find out what IT is. Along the way, we stumbled upon a few ideas, and are now going to implement them. So without further ado, here's the start of what may or may not turn into a weekly comic. They are called The Landlords, and they are a punk/rock/indie band dedicated solely to making music based on their exploits in the Real Estate business. They also fight crime. Here's The Landlords....

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World War III: Funniest World War?

At a time when nearly all News outlets shy away from such a touchy subject as the war in Iraq, we here at The Foggiest feel the need to let the people in on the stone cold facts. The only lean we give you is a lean on truth, and honesty, and righteousness. War correspondent Eric comes to us today with a look at the brewing animosity the News World doesn't want you to see.

Part 1 – Germans, Funny Again.

On this, the eve of an uncertain apocalypse between states and fanatical factions of varying religions, I cant help but find humor in the soul-crushing events that are leading up to what I hope will be the funniest world war the world has ever laughed at, World War III.

While most writers, comedians, and politicians have lampooned the unpleasant state of things in Iraq, I believe the current state of events building, not only in the Middle East, but in Asia, Latin America, and Laguna Beach, will be one of the best episodes of human destruction, chaos, and insanity - to laugh at.

So, we first set our stage on the picturesque banks of the Rhine, where our last World War ended, Germany. Germany has recently pledged to send navy and air forces to Lebanon to protect Israel against Hezbollah guerillas. Bold, Germany. Bold…and daring. Germany’s Chancellor Merkel has called the move “historic.” Not because of the whole holocaust thing, or the fact that every time Germany has mobilized its military in the twentieth century the world has been steeped in death and destruction, but because Germany generally does not do too many funny things. Granted, this “historic” move would not be that funny without the events of WW II, but maybe this is the punch line. Germany has been brilliantly building up this irony of all ironies since 1936.

What Germany has is a little thing called Schadenfreude—taking pleasure in other’s misfortune—which believe is the underlying humor of any world war, especially this war.

Schadenfreude is taking hold all over the globe. It’s a new fanaticism that will not stop until it has reached the hearts, minds, and souls of every honest and sensitive individual.

Just look at the current row between the Vatican and the world’s third funniest religion, Islam (Judaism is the first, followed by Irish-Catholics). To break it down: Pope made reference to Islam being something evil, did not know he was miked, apologized, learned that forgiveness is not as eternal as originally thought, Islam declared war on “followers of the way of the cross,” enflaming of effigies ensues.

Now, I do believe that the Pope, being a former member of the Nazi youth movement, is only showing his support for his homeland’s current military hysteria of sending support into Lebanon to protect Israel. The only way for the Pope to be able to show his support—the Vatican can’t go to war, unless it is ordained as a holy mission from on high—was to make a little jab at the Muslims. And it worked. Touché pope, touché.

So, Part I, Act I of the wonderful misery on this World War’s stage is being hysterically set. But what hilarity is to ensue? Will China be the first army to lead an invasion by bicycles—not if the Dutch have anything to say about it. And will Latin America, contribute anything funny to World War III—if Carlos Mencia is any indication, no. And do Jews really start all wars—the road warrior may be on to something.

by Eric

Itunes: A Curse?

Some say maybe, others say yes
an editorial

Am I the only one that is wary of Itunes selling movies?

The thought of not having to move to buy and subsequently watch any number of movies should be an awe-inspiring one. But it is not, for exactly that reason. I will more than likely spend more money than ever on these ease-of-use movies.

And at what price?

I will be less hesitant to buy them because of the ease of the sale, less frustrated at opening the package and less upset at having to return a defective DVD. Those might seem like odds in Itunes favor but I disagree. The ease of purchase devalues the movie by making it so easy to obtain (no driving to the local DVD store to find that it is sold out). The packaging allowed the watching of the movie to be a reward. The more tightly wrapped the movie, the more I want to watch it (and especially with the extra security features on the DVD case, I might have to watch it twice). Returning a defective DVD made me upset at the provider of the DVD but it also allowed me to go through the experience of driving to the store and unwrapping the DVD a second time.

Now I am no neo-luddite but this new technology scares me. I have already bought several movies and I do not see an end in sight. Hooked right to my checking account, I do not even need to open my wallet and that spells trouble. Sure, you say that I don’t have any will power but if I know anything about anything, I know I don’t really even have a choice thanks to advertising and the general American (i.e. lazy) attitude I was raised with. (While writing this, I was briefly distracted by a colleague expressing her distaste for the new Itunes. Granted, she was not commenting on the new movie section, but her point remained closely tied.)

In conclusion, try to resist this new Itunes feature. I know I can’t, but hopefully someone can. I’ll just go see if they have any new movies up yet…

This Just In... Space: Not all it's cracked up to be?

Space has been and will continue to be the final frontier for quite some time. It has captivated humanity ever since our evolving intelligence has allowed us to do so. However, in light of recent scientific breakthroughs some have questioned it's importance. With Pluto being stripped of its status as a planet, Aerospace contributor Copernicus brings up a solid point, Space sucks.

You'’re fired!

Never heard of 134340? Well you should, it is the new name for the planet formerly known as Pluto. Not only has Pluto been stripped of its planet status, now it'’s just a number in space, literally.

This is a glorious event in the destruction of the interest, study, and over all admiration of space. Space is one of the most idiotic concepts. How people become fascinated with it is astonishing. Stars, planets, galaxies are all pretty synonymous with horrible. When I think of space I also think of the token overweight kid in your high school algebra class. You know the one, dressed in all black, who played Dungeons & Dragons or with Magic Cards. Space was that guy'’s best friend.

What is the fascination with space? The infinite possibilities and lack of knowledge make the idea itself completely foolhardy. Why not be content to try and learn about the earth, where we live, instead of some bullshit life form on the frozen tundra of ______________(insert your favorite planet, dork).

I am on a crusade to discredit space and anything related. Actually, it'’s more to just ridicule anyone who is fond of it. The pink slip recently handed to the pseudo-planet Pluto gave me much joy. No one knows shit about "“outer space."” I'll just leave it up to all the space cadets to contradict them selves. All of them pretty much live a fantasy land, which is commonly known to us non-space people as their parents'’ basement. I mean, who declared Pluto a planet in the first place? Get a life, or a real job.

by Copernicus

Read the rebuttal

Disassembling Bond: Analysis of a Secret Agent

As a first news story on our soon to be ground-breaking news site, we give to you a point/counterpoint of sorts. Sure to be one of the most hotly debated issues of the Fall next to the War in Iraq, the new Bond film, Casino Royale, will hit U.S. theaters on November 17th. Here, our two leading correspondants, and credentialed film critics, Pat and Kyle discuss the latest action-packed trailer, and the implications of choosing a new Bond. So sit back and enjoy the bickering between the two.

Point of Reference: New Trailer

And now the debate...

p: the casino royale trailer looks fucking awesome

k: yea i know

it looks so clear too

man it was perfect

thats what i was most amazed by

and that chick is hot

yeah that was cool too but i am wondering if they are going to kill that girl off and use that to drive bond's vengence

probably

that would be so much darker than all the other bond movies

thats what they did in OHMSS

(On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

yeah but didn't that movie suck?

yeah i got what it was

it actually wasnt that bad

after i actually sat down and watched it

oh right... you liked it

his outfit was fucking stupid

yeah well something tells me that the movie was still i dunno fantastical

no more so than any other bond film

right exactly

just slightly on the fantastical side

thats what i mean

slightly... whatever.... they are way over the top

this one’s gonna be no different

did you see the plane part

and the part where they are jumping the scaffolding

and cranes

maaaaybbe? i don't remember

dude you know that street jumping stuff

yeah yeah but it seemed to have a much different feel than all the other ones

there was that nike commercial where they chased the chicken

do you know what i'm talking about

yeah

yea that guy that started that whole movement thing is one of the bad guys

so they do a huge scene with that

cool... that'll be pretty awesome

yea, so theres a clip in the trailer where bond jumps from one crane to another

i think it seems to me at least that this will be more bad ass whereas other bond movies have been more suave and debaunair or however you spell it

and i like it

the change that is

i still hope there is the suave and debonare side to it though

otherwise its just a mindless action movie

because the new bond is so un bond looking

sure but it can tone down the suave stuff and become something else

that in my opinion would be better

because i didn't really like all the sauve stuff

but then its not bond

that is part of what the bond character is

if you dont like that, then go watch a schwarzeneggar movie

every good franchise needs a change

the sauve stuff was getting old

not if it becomes something different

no one does that anymore

you cant say that xmen will no longer be about mutants

because then its not xmen anymore

no no no... not like a radical change

its not like you'd be calling bond .. fred or something

but taking away part of a distinct personality trait is radical

its like showing the backstory to wolverine

no its not

he was supposed to have no history

and then all of a sudden it was there

because wolverine is wolverine

bond is bond... whats you're point

bond isnt bond if you take away part of who he is

the lack of history was part of who wolverine was

if he's not a good looking suave ass kicker then its not bond

ok i'll put it this way

that was an explanation of who he was, but he still is who he is

this is like a restart

this new bond

(now colored by his past)

the goal, I am assuming is to start something new

if bond is restarted as something different and it continues as something different

then its not bond

bond is not only this one archetype

he changed from connery to whats his face

who was the second one

yea, but he has always been virtually the same

roger?

something

lazenby

no

then roger moore

yeah yeah

they were really different

it went connery lazenby connery moore

but they still had the same attributes

they werent complete redesigns

sure they were different people so obviously something changed

but they still embodied everything that bond is

oh... well i meant then roger moore... but they were still different enough to where people watching these movies when they came out, disliked the change and say that connery was bond and so bond is connery

right

and that anyone else trying to play bond can't

but they didnt say that

because bond is connnery

they just thought connery was a better bond

sure they did

roger moore has his followers

just the same as pierce

i am sure he did but that doesn't get past the point that there are crowds of people who say bond is connery or people today might say bond is brosnan and can't see it as anything else

yea

whats the point

i think we got way past what we were originally talking about

so having this new start with less suave and more badassism is still bond

people might not accept it right now in the same way they didn't for moving past connery

but my point is to still have it, and to completely change it is no longer bond

its not completely changing it though

he is still 007

and he is still killing people in cool ways...

that to change it would be better?

i think it would be... like this next movie for example

i think i will like this next movie than the other bond movies

yea, but what i am saying is if they arent going to make an effort to still be bondian then just change his name and make an action movie

but aren't they still making an effort?

i hope so

007?

secret agent?

yea, thats not all though

you can slap that on anything

i'm not dissing this movie by any means

i am just saying i hope they do an awesome job

what i am saying is that the characteristics you ascribe to bond change with the actors playing it as much as it is changing here... here it is changing in that now he is pissed

i want all the characteristics to be there

i agree the traits change in the emphasis

connery badass womanizer

moore suave

dalton action hero

and i agree with you that if he was a bumbling idiot and didn't get any women i will be disappointed

brosnan pretty boy

i just want it all to be there

because if they arent then it wont be bond

all of it?

in some way

you carazay?

thats too much for one bond to handle

you can dress up in a white sheet and not be a ghost pat

pretty boy, womanizer, suave and action hero

well everyone of them possessed it

they just emphasized one trait

to an extent

right

right, agreed

all i am saying is

i want this guy to do the same

thats where the make or break comes into play

kinda like i can play sports but it is not a very good or well developed trait

yea

you still possess it

brosnan... he was too nice to be a complete womanizer like connery... but he still slept around

another "pat" would play down the homosexuality and play up the sports side

face

yea

you got it

just as another kyle might actually be considerate and not just an asshole... yeah you got it

right

just making points

right, exactly

so basically we want craig to be everything

you do

but its alright if he plays up the action hero

ok fine

oh right yeah

but if he doesnt possess it all, then he's not bond

emphasize the strengths

yes

ok

or we should post this convo on our blog

debates on bond

debates on debond

ok

debunking bond

yea there we go

he doesn't exist!

yeah he does

it really wouldn't be debunking at all

whatever

analysis of a secret agent

dissassembling bond

:

ah there we go

Analysis of a Secret Agent: Disassembling Bond

try the other way around

disassembling bond is a better title

Disassembling Bond: Analysis of a Secret Agent

analysis is more of a description

yeah good point

mine is the better title

face

but mine lets you know its serious

yeah yeah

not some fluesy writing to her mother

i wish i knew how to spell fluesey

just jealous talk i hear there

but i hear yours a compensating

as compensatin

as compensating

ggggggggggggggggg

there ya happy

i don't know why but this made me just think of these dream i had where i broke into this underground club after shattering all these windows by jumping through them and i slept with 4 prostitutes

it was weird

hmm

then i didn't pay and i ran out

on that note i am going to get out of here and take a shower

alright i'll post this

So, decide for yourself. Which side do you choose?

#1

Am not.