I apologize for the long absence, but the war correspondence business has hit a bit of a rough patch. The events escalating to World War III have slowed down. However, they have not cooled down—that will examined later.
Nations, unfortunately, have started taking to diplomacy in the wake of all the rampant war and chaos. Iraq stopped being funny. I can only blame that on Democrats, and their incessant whining about wanting to withdraw troops. Iran is agreeing to talks. They even played the hostage holding card again, but this time for a British audience. Korea hasn’t been very funny for a while. And China is planning something, I don’t know what it is, but I hope it involves fireworks. Wait, that might be 2008 Beijing Olympics.
There is a new fight on our hands, and this new fight is one that we never seemed to see coming. In a world where the biggest topic of discussion is the Terrorist Environment, who would have thought in 65 billion years that the Environment is actually the terrorist? Global Warming, as made famous by Al Gore and lax industrial emissions regulations, has been on a rampage of unfunny destruction and will probably not stop for anyone, least of all tree-hugging, hippie, liberal, t-bags. The environment has risen to the number one killer of all things living, other than man, and countries have started to refocus their attention on environmentally sound ways to publicly control their unsound environmental ways.
This new found threat is, horrifically, embedded in every countries border. Its unstoppable and pervasive force only beckons the necessary question, how can countries fight a war on Mother Earth and her environmental terrorism? A massive surge of troops to the front lines of Kansas to combat tornadoes? How do you post WANTED fliers when suspect #1 is a strong gust of wind? Maybe Bill Paxton can help. This new dynamic in World War III will hilariously test countries’ capacities to defend their people and interests.
The environment has already made too many strikes: tornadoes, hurricanes, typhoons, and earthquakes - none of which have been that funny, unless they involved clowns. So, not only is the environment the number one threat to World War III, but it’s the number one threat to World III being the funniest war ever, if only because the scientific phenomenon for such an event would ironically be called a “shit storm.”
As think tanks inside the beltway mull the current situation, the only certain idea is that man is the number one threat to the environment’s threat to man. Any preemptive tactical strike will have to consider the North Pole as a strategic target. Unfortunately, the North Pole possesses massive second strike capabilities in the form of melting…
How can we have a World War III if we don’t have a world in which to fight? One solution to help World War III stay afloat would be for international navies to drastically consider how to continue to fight for the survival of nations that would no longer exist. This would also no longer make Kevin Costner’s Waterworld the family comedy that we all know and love. Costner would become something of a post-apocalyptic prophet—though I have often thought of him as nothing less.
I don’t really know how countries could possibly win a war on terror against the environment. I am also equally distraught by the possibility that there is a God, and that He is on the side of Mother-fucking-Earth. If that “creation” story is true, and I don’t see any sound evidence that supports otherwise, then technically God should be fighting with us, against the environment. But it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. This might mean that countries have to fight against each other, the environment, and God! Fucking God! Nietzsche came close, but he called God’s death a little prematurely. At least God is funnier than the environment.
So, will countries step up and figure out a way to systematically defend their interests against the environment and/or God? Will the Environment continue to be an ass? Do we have enough open space to hold the POW's? Will WWIII be the funniest world war ever? I do have to say that there is some humor in a super sexy wild fire spreading outside the San Francisco Bay Area.
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Eric
War Correspondent
